Judgey McJudgerson

I feel like that could be my name lately. I've been spending WAY too much energy thinking about what is quote BEST unquote for some people around me. Don't worry, I'm not talking about you (or am I?). We're all guilty of it (please tell me I'm not alone in this uphill battle to mind my own business). I just want my loved ones to be h-a-p-p-y. Like, really really happy. And it's like I've forgot that every one's journey is different. And unless I have magical powers I am unaware of (that would be so cool), I have no idea what it feels like to be anyone else but me.

One of my favorite Emerson quotes (the author, not my baby) says "what I must do, is all that concerns me; not what the people think". It's from his essay on Self-Reliance and it's a must read. He goes on to comment on the hardships of following that rule because there are always people who "think they know what your duty is better than you know it". Ain't that the truth? Oh wait, that's me right now. Sh*@.

The thing is, I've made this great life out of gigantic mistakes. I mean, I broke an f'ing engagement a few days before Christmas (and his birthday) so I would know if Ben was the One or not. That being said, I hadn't spoken to or seen Ben in forever (other than to spill my engagement news), so I was working on faith that everything would work out. And that it was far better to be alone, than in the wrong relationship. But I was in that relationship for FIVE years. Do you think my friends and family had an opinion? Absolutely. They even shared it from time to time. But every single one supported my decision to marry he who shall remain nameless. Even though it was a terrible decision. They let me be. And I love them for it. No one abandoned me. Ever.

In the end, I make good choices. I just wait till I'm about to figuratively fall off an f'ing cliff and then I'm all like, wait, what. Nope, time to make a different choice. And in that instant, I'm brave. I dig in, get comfortable with being uncomfortable and change my course.

It wasn't easy and still isn't, but it's where I grew/grow the most. It's where everyone grows...it's just a matter of pushing through and finding comfort once more. And instead of standing back and doling out advice like a "know it all" (who really likes 'those' people anyways), I'm going to reach out my hand instead.

It's hard to keep my mouth shut when I see loved ones making what I perceive to be 'bad' choices or not living their 'best' life (what up Oprah). Key words, what I perceive. And my perception is flawed because it's mine, not theirs. And who knows where those 'bad' choices will lead them. Mine led me here. To a wonderful marriage, two beautiful children, a lovely home and amazing friends (old and new). I made choices that ultimately landed me in my dream life. I own them. Every.single.one.

So here's to choices, good and bad. And to keeping judgement at bay.

Peace and love. J

Pour, reheat, repeat

I think I warm my coffee up a minimum of 3 times before I actually finish the cup. Maybe it's because I prefer to sip at a leisurely pace. Or maybe it's because of the multiple distractions and interruptions from my darling children. We've been up for about two hours and it feels like so much longer. I will attribute that to the two naps I took last night versus getting a good night's rest. I went to Whole Foods last night from 9:00 - 10:00, came home, unpacked groceries, cleaned out fridge, emptied and filled dishwasher and made a cup of chamomile tea before going to bed at around midnight. Emerson sensed this and woke up around 3am...and then again at 7am.

Kids can sense weakness around the same level of accuracy as a drug-sniffing dog. Hence why today's cup of coffee is so very important. And why I will continue to pour, reheat and repeat until I feel like coffee is literally running through my veins. I gotta keep up my game or daughter #1 will sniff out my weakness and well, that would really stink up the day for everyone involved. I'll lose my temper, she'll tell me not to "well at her", I'll yell at her, everyone (including the dog) will go to time-out and Ben will come home to what looks like a war-torn country.

So here's to coffee and avoiding mini-world wars. Time to shower, get the girls together and roll to my dermatologist appointment. Then off to an egg-trodinary Easter get together with good friends. Who I'm quite sure can relate to the importance of coffee, regardless of how many times it gets reheated in a day.

Word. J

Day 1

I think I was up half the night. Tossing and turning in anticipation of my intentional 5am wake up call. I think my excitement (if you want to call it that) woke the baby because she started to make some noise as I was walking out the door. I could've thrown in the towel right there but I'm in training now. So I fed sweet E. And then quietly rolled out the front door with tiny Angel in tow.

And.I.ran. I was amazed my legs still worked. I admit I had to really concentrate on my form, but who cares? I went running. And it felt so unbelievably good. While I only went out for 15 - 20 minutes (didn't want to push it after all this time), I ended with stretching, push-ups, triceps dips, and step ups on my back stairs. I even did 10 real sit-ups. What a joke that was...my abs were like, "what the...". Baby steps, right?

All in all, I feel good. And I still have some time alone. I'm going to make a pot of coffee and read. This is good for my soul. Here's hoping the high lasts (come on endorphins) and daughter #1 wakes up in a good mood.

And let me just add this. It feels good to say I'm going to do something for me and actually do it. Carving out time each day just for me is up to me. Know what I mean?

Word. J

Mornings

in the Ricker household depend on two things. My mood following a close second to my #1's. Let's face it, daughter #2 is always happy so we know where she stands each and every sunrise (and sunset and every minute in between).

I guess the weather and our plans also shape the day ahead. Today it's colder, rainy and all around blah. We do have plans to visit my mom which will highly entertain B and maybe motivate me to hit Ikea since we're out that way.

Okay, so right now as I type, B is floundering about on the couch. Maybe it wouldn't bother me, but I'm sitting right next to her. She's glaring at me through her longish bangs, half-smiling at her sister and slowly eating her gummy vitamins, while also catching up on today's latest news via CNN. Her body language is all over the place and generally annoying to me. And the whine. Oh it's enough to make me open a bottle of actual wine to endure her whine. But it's only 7:52 am and would be frowned upon by most (not my friends, but probably CPS. Just a guess). Quick break to get B some cereal. No milk.

Okay, both daughters happy.

I used to be a morning person. I loved getting up early, hitting the gym and heading to work. Yes technically I can still have that same routine. So why is it so damn hard to get up at 5:00 am, workout for an hour, shower, feed & change E and have a cup of coffee with my husband before he leaves for work? Is it as simple as treating being at home like I'm "going to the office". Just a mindset change? I will say this, if I got an hour workout 5 out of 7 days, my mood would swing heavily in a very happy direction.

And while I can't control my 3.5 yo (not even right now as she intentionally drops her cereal on the ground...don't worry, I already 'warned' her to stop...lotta good that did), I can control me. So I think it's about time for an experiment. I will make a concerted effort to get up 5 out of the next 7 days and workout for 30 minutes.

And smile more in the morning. Maybe say 'yes' more than growling no. And threaten less...and, and, and.

Well, let's start with some workouts and the rest will come naturally. At least, that's my hope.

Peace. J

So...

it's been awhile. I guess you could say life got serious after my last post. My mother-in-law passed away on March 16th, 2011. She lost her battle with lung cancer at the tender age of 54. While I still find humor in day to day life, there hasn't been much inspiration to write. But I need to get back in it, so here goes.

Some things I learned from sweet Genia:

~ you can snuggle with your children well into adulthood
~ affection is a beautiful way to communicate love
~ big Italian meals transcend calories and fat content
~ extended family dinners should come back into style
~ the vows "in sickness and in health" really do mean something (Greg)
~ wearing "yummy" clothes is the best (translation - comfortable)
~ in the end, all that matters is people know how much you love them...the details are nice...but the love part...that's the real sustenance.

While we can't adequately fill in the void that inevitably came after Genia's death, I am grateful for the memories. I am grateful for her love.

The words are still not coming as easily as I'd like...so more to come later.

Peace and love - J