Debt

My body is like a credit card. I'm hovering around my limit, but I want to keep charging. Or rather, eating. I need to lose twenty pounds. And while I appreciate the benefits of breastfeeding, losing a mere pound a week is losing its luster. Problem is, I love food. I love wine. I love dessert. Those aren't really the problems. This is ~ I haven't seen the inside of a gym in over a year. And it's winter, so being outside is limited (not b/c I am wimp, but b/c I have my kids all day every day). Or maybe I'm being a little bit of a wimp. I JUST NEED TO GET INTO A NEW ROUTINE! And not get thrown b/c my kids were up tag teaming me all night (which happened last night). Money's slightly an issue so joining an actual gym isn't on the table, but last time I checked, my tennis shoes worked anywhere and everywhere. They didn't only magically turn on inside a gym (but wouldn't that be a stellar excuse). Really, I just want to walk and do some Pilate's. Maybe use the Wii Fit. I think 'Just Dance' would be fun and burn away some unwanted calories. And my 3.5 yo could have a blastie too.

I have this 'today's the day' mentality, but I'm stuck in an rut right now. And what's so irritating is that I know (and I mean, I KNOW) how much better I would feel after a nice power walk or Pilate's workout. I believe in exercise. It is my friend. So I guess that makes me one of the worst friends ever since I never visit, call, or even text. Exercise must be like, "WTF, I didn't do anything but bring joy and satisfaction into your life and this is how you treat me?" Good point, exercise, good point.

So maybe tomorrow's the day since let's face it, today's almost over. I'll finish this day and be done, just like the great Ralph Waldo Emerson once said. Time to cut up this credit card and get to paying off this debt. It's a heavy burden (literally)...and I'm over it. So good-bye baby weight debt, hello healthy momma. Who knows, maybe I'll actually look forward to putting on a bathing suit this summer.

Peace. J

What a shame

It's ridiculous how much my family wastes. From food to the growing mountain of stuff in the basement, waste is everywhere. And I feel bad about it. I try to tackle 'organizational' projects every Monday, but they really should be a daily ritual. But I find it nearly impossible because time is a precious commodity around here, as I'm sure it is in your home too.

But I can't take the waste anymore. I just can't. It drives me bananas. And it puts me in a horrible mood, which leads to excessive frowns, elevated stress levels and some yelling. I once heard (as I'm sure you have at some point or another) that it takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile. Just something to chew on.

But I digress.

I love games, but I'm not a big fan of this domino effect waste has on my life. This is how it started today. Cleaned out the fridge, threw a ton of food away (insert frown). Tried to tackle basement with husband, but he gave up within minutes (he likes to finish projects in a fair amount of time. After surveying basement, he determined it an impossible task and opted for the garage instead). Stress levels climbing. Managed to organize all of three boxes (don't be impressed, they were tiny boxes). Time-out, baby crying because 3.5 yo yelled from top floor to basement for me right outside baby's door. Wait for it, yup, yelled right back at 3.5 yo (did I mention she's sick and deserves my pity and compassion right now). Got baby back down, but decided to give up on basement too. I'll just shut the door for now. So, it's been a really productive day so far, not at all.

We did manage to get a fair amount of cleaning done yesterday, but this comforts me little as I look around my house. I hate that after almost two years of living here, everything doesn't have a proper home. Again, it's just wasteful. I believe if it doesn't have a home (proper home), then it doesn't belong in my house. Because shoving excess in drawers, cabinets or condemning it to the basement isn't a good way to live, right? What I need to do is enter every HGTV/Nate Berkus/Ellen/OWN sweepstakes and pray someone comes in and makes my house look like the Container Store. And let's throw in the Food Network to help with the fridge issue too. So I need experts. I need direction. I need help. So universe if you're listening, here's my SOS. Help me kick my waste habit to the curb, stat.

Peace. J

When did I...

Lose my manners? I RSVP'ed to a birthday party today and guess what? The party is also today. How.rude. Has my life spiraled to the point that I can no longer function like a responsible adult? Because my thank you notes from Christmas (or any other recent event) have also gone unwritten. I used to put great stock in manners, formal, good old-fashioned manners. I used to take great pride that I had some. Have I given up on that part of me since my kids came along. Because last time I checked, they weren't handing out hall passes in the hospital.

Manners are important. They are a sign of civility. And they should never go out of style or be tossed aside because of a couple of kids (4 or more, maybe, but not 2). Or at least, not for me. If for nothing else but because my parents raised me better than that. They invested time and energy into teaching me to act right. To have manners. And I want the lessons I teach my kids to last a lifetime. I want Brooklynn and Emerson to write thank you notes. To be grateful for their 'prizes' and parties and thoughtful gestures. The thing about having kids is you then have to live an exemplary life. Or at least, you should. There should be a common goal amongst parents to raise good kids and I think, in order to do that we have to be good people, right? People who generally make good choices. People who take the time to sit down with a pen and paper and write (like in the olden days) a thoughtful thank you note.

I don't know about you, but today's the day my manner's make a comeback. Hell, I might even order personalized stationary and break out a book on etiquette. I think this momentum is going to last (at least for the next day or so). So I better get moving, get writing and get to teaching my girls (although E might have trouble handling a pen) about the beauty of a note (and a prompt RSVP).

Word. J

Wow.

I have taken 'feeling guilty' to a new level tonight. It's never a proud moment when you lose your temper and tell your 3.5 yo to 'shut up', but that's exactly what happened to me tonight. I understand your judgement right now. And if this has NEVER happened to you, please tell me your secret to keeping your cool in the face of a hysterical, dramatic, manipulative 3.5 yo (oh, and her sister was screaming from the crib too). Double whammy. And I'm by myself on Friday nights, which is def okay, but dealing with tantrums is so much easier tag-teaming.

Did I mention we haven't had school all week? And that we lost power the night before last for almost 24 hours? And that I was up all night with both kids? And then was up twice last night with baby E? I blame the snow. I blame sleep deprivation. I blame my hot temper.

I just wanted her to go to bed. So I could relax. Have a glass of wine. Unwind. Obviously she had other plans. And that irritated me. It made me see red. So I uttered two words you really shouldn't say because they are mean, 'shut up'. I said them out of desperation. I said them out of anger. I said them. And I really wish I hadn't. Because she was upset. She wanted her daddy. She was overtired. And she couldn't calm down. Instead of soothing her. I yelled. Instead of holding her, I tantrumed in my room (yes, I did walk away, more than once). The only 'right' thing I did was call another mom. And not just any mom. I called one of my best friends who I knew wouldn't judge and more importantly, be up and available to talk. Someone who could commiserate. And get me to breathe. The call worked. I calmed down. I compromised with my 3.5 yo. She went to sleep, I left the door open (and I read her one last book before she conked out - also a great way to soothe the waters).

I changed the little one. Put on her CD player, again. Put on her crib music, again. And walked out the door, down the stairs and headed to the buffet where I promptly extracted my favorite bottle of red.

So I am going to relax. I am going to drink a glass of wine and unwind. And cross my fingers and toes that both girls sleep (maybe even through the night), at the very least, over the next few hours.

This momma needs a break. Staying home is wonderful. But there is a limit to how much time I can spend with my kids before I start breaking a little bit. And I hit that limit tonight. But I've regrouped. I'm going to try and forgive the falter and bad attitude and recognize that tomorrow is a new day and I will do better. And I will have help. And I will hug my 3.5 yo at least a hundred times so she feels my love. Hopefully she remembers the hugs and not the words that hurt her feelings oh so much tonight.

Peace. J

P.S.

I know 'daylyguilt' is spelled wrong, but 'daily' was already being used. Word.

Why.

I've been thinking about this blog for some time now. The name came to me while I was drifting off to sleep, but I struggled with actually using it. The Daily Guilt. I hate feeling guilty (who does?). And I've been surprised with how often, as a mom, I feel guilty. It is daily, hence the name.

I also feel guilty about not working out since getting pregnant and having my second baby girl. And about not eating enough fruits and veggies. And about having terrible first reactions. and, and, and.

I feel especially guilty about ignoring my first born, Brooklynn Rose (3.5 yo) while I write this entry.

Writing is therapeutic. So is laughter. So I'm hoping to combine the two in this blog. I want to take myself less seriously. I want to laugh more with my kids (especially my 3.5 yo). And I want to get rid of the guilt. So join me (or not) in forgiveness, because that's what I need. Forgiveness for being less than perfect, but (almost) always trying my best.