Wow.

I have taken 'feeling guilty' to a new level tonight. It's never a proud moment when you lose your temper and tell your 3.5 yo to 'shut up', but that's exactly what happened to me tonight. I understand your judgement right now. And if this has NEVER happened to you, please tell me your secret to keeping your cool in the face of a hysterical, dramatic, manipulative 3.5 yo (oh, and her sister was screaming from the crib too). Double whammy. And I'm by myself on Friday nights, which is def okay, but dealing with tantrums is so much easier tag-teaming.

Did I mention we haven't had school all week? And that we lost power the night before last for almost 24 hours? And that I was up all night with both kids? And then was up twice last night with baby E? I blame the snow. I blame sleep deprivation. I blame my hot temper.

I just wanted her to go to bed. So I could relax. Have a glass of wine. Unwind. Obviously she had other plans. And that irritated me. It made me see red. So I uttered two words you really shouldn't say because they are mean, 'shut up'. I said them out of desperation. I said them out of anger. I said them. And I really wish I hadn't. Because she was upset. She wanted her daddy. She was overtired. And she couldn't calm down. Instead of soothing her. I yelled. Instead of holding her, I tantrumed in my room (yes, I did walk away, more than once). The only 'right' thing I did was call another mom. And not just any mom. I called one of my best friends who I knew wouldn't judge and more importantly, be up and available to talk. Someone who could commiserate. And get me to breathe. The call worked. I calmed down. I compromised with my 3.5 yo. She went to sleep, I left the door open (and I read her one last book before she conked out - also a great way to soothe the waters).

I changed the little one. Put on her CD player, again. Put on her crib music, again. And walked out the door, down the stairs and headed to the buffet where I promptly extracted my favorite bottle of red.

So I am going to relax. I am going to drink a glass of wine and unwind. And cross my fingers and toes that both girls sleep (maybe even through the night), at the very least, over the next few hours.

This momma needs a break. Staying home is wonderful. But there is a limit to how much time I can spend with my kids before I start breaking a little bit. And I hit that limit tonight. But I've regrouped. I'm going to try and forgive the falter and bad attitude and recognize that tomorrow is a new day and I will do better. And I will have help. And I will hug my 3.5 yo at least a hundred times so she feels my love. Hopefully she remembers the hugs and not the words that hurt her feelings oh so much tonight.

Peace. J